Lockdown has created a ticking divorce time bomb. If your family is fracturing, here’s how to deal with the fallout
You’ve desperately tried to make your relationship work for your children’s sake. But you and your other half have finally made the difficult decision to call it quits.
Sound familiar? You’re not alone.
Family lawyers are forecasting a ‘divorce boom’ in 2021, following the impact of the pandemic.
Head of service quality and clinical practice at Relate, Ammanda Major, says: ‘Divorce is never easy, especially when children are involved, but separating well — where both parents are able to be cooperative, amicable and fully engaged with their children — means better outcomes for the whole family.’
Here Ammanda explains how…
Never vent to your child
However upset or angry you feel with your ex-partner, never unload how you’re feeling on to your children. They are a part of that person. They still want and need to love that parent and if one parent, or worse both, is critical of the other, they can feel caught in the crossfire. Instead, speak to a friend, counsellor or go for a run and let off steam that way.
Keep your child informed
Parents separating can provoke a lot of anxiety in children. Common worries such as: Where will I live now? Am I going to move schools? Will we keep the cat? can all provoke concern, so keeping children informed is crucial. Likewise, further down the line, keep your child in the loop as much as possible. For example, if your ex needs to change the day that they’re having the kids, let the children know the new plans as soon as you do. They’ll feel better prepared and more in control.
Minimise conflict in communication
Try to keep all communication as cordial and respectful as possible with your ex. It may even be useful to think of it as a business relationship, keeping dialogue emotion-free and always prioritising your child’s well-being. Where possible, make requests instead of demands, for example say: ‘Would you be able to pick up the children this afternoon?’ Instead of: ‘I need you to collect the children this afternoon.’
Aim for consistency
Consistency is vital. Discuss the important topics surrounding your children such as technology use, homework and schedules and try to reach a consistent set of rules that you both agree on. Be clear on boundaries and discipline and follow through at both homes. This continuity can go a long way to helping your children feel comfortable having two homes.
Create a safe space
Be honest with your child and say: ‘This feels sad and difficult at times, doesn’t it? But you know you can always talk to me.’ By opening up the conversation you’re allowing them to confide in you. When a child is going back and forth between two homes it’s normal to find it difficult to hear about things they’ve been up to — however, try to listen and allow them to feel comfortable talking openly. If a child feels they’re upsetting you, they’ll clam up and that can make them feel guilty about a situation that isn’t their fault.
Try to be neutral
There might be topics in co-parenting that wind you up, be it your ex’s new partner or how your ex spends their money, but try not to interrogate your children about it or behave in a jealous way. Try switching your internal dialogue from: I don’t like how they always lavish gifts on the children and take them on expensive days out, to: I’m glad my children can benefit from the money spent and are having a nice time.
Remove guilt
From the moment you decide to separate, it’s important that your children know it was absolutely not their fault. Tell them: ‘This has nothing to do with you.’ As you continue your co-parenting journey, ensure your children never feel guilty.
Whether it’s Christmas, their birthday or a wedding, never force them to choose between you. Keep an open mind, be flexible in taking turns and remember you’ll both have to compromise at times. The more understanding you are, the more supported, safe and secure your children will feel.
Edited by Stephanie May
Relate’s services include relationship counselling for couples and individuals. They are currently working online and on the phone. Find out more at relate.org.uk