How to end an unhappy relationship

It’s been a rollercoaster of a year, especially for couples, as lockdown has tested even the happiest of relationships.

Statistics from parenting platform mybump2baby showed that 52 per cent felt lockdown put pressure on their relationship, 45 per cent of parents argued with their partner more than usual during lockdown, and 47 per cent said they’ve become unhappy.

Perhaps it’s not surprising that 20 per cent of parents have thought about leaving their partner since lockdown.

Break-ups are hard, especially when they involve children, property, divorce and having to rediscover ourselves after years of being with the same person.

Here divorce and separation consultant Rhiannon Ford shares how to navigate each step of ending an unhappy relationship.

Knowing it’s over

Unhappiness is individual to each relationship, but typical signs include no longer feeling affectionate, feeling alone when you’re together, going off sex permanently, lack of communication, avoiding spending time alone together, and fighting.

Rhiannon says: ‘Get really clear about how you feel and what you want. Talking to a counsellor could help. You’ll need to consider what’s more uncomfortable — staying as you are or making changes in your life. Changes can be positive but also scary.’

Telling your partner

Rhiannon says: ‘Be calm and clear when you speak to your partner and appreciate they will need time to process the news. Remain respectful and constructive, to minimise the stress and costs of formalising separation.’

Emphasise your feelings rather than their wrongs. Acknowledge pain and be sensitive but remain firm about your decision. It’s worth practising what you’ll say beforehand.

Informing your children

This requires planning.

Rhiannon says: ‘Decide with your partner what the children will be told. Where possible, speak to the children together. Avoid appointing blame on either party, understand the children don’t need details about the break-up — that’s an adult issue.’

Be clear about your plans. Reassure them that you’ll support them if they find changes hard, and that they needn’t worry about you.

The logistics

Rhiannon says: ‘Collect together all the information about the family finances — properties, bank accounts, investments, pensions etc. You’ll also need to work out your monthly living expenses.’

Planning is key. Focus on one step at a time and keep reminding yourself that you’re doing the right thing. Ask family and friends for support, emotionally and practically.

Being single

Rhiannon says: ‘Recovering from a break-up takes time and you’ll need to be kind and patient with yourself. Focus on the positives in your life and choose to spend time with people who help you feel good about yourself and do activities that bring you joy.’

There’s usually a natural grieving process but always trust your decision. Keep busy at first with socialising and hobbies. Maintain positive mental health with meditation (try the app Headspace), exercise like yoga and maybe counselling.

This is your chance to rediscover yourself and your happiness. Embrace it.

‘I ended my marriage for ME’

I met my partner when I was 16. We married at 22 and then had two children.

I was happy, but I was feeling a little bit lost.

One day, I started a diary. It helped me understand my feelings and I realised something was missing in my 17-year marriage.

After seeing a counsellor, I told my husband: ‘We’ve grown into different people. I think it’s time I need to move on.’

I was firm — this was the end.

We allowed time to process our feelings, then told the children, making it clear we would both remain in their lives.

I was 35 and divorce seemed scary. Practically, it wasn’t easy. But I focussed on my journey towards a happier life and that kept me grounded. Friends and family were supportive.

In time, I dated, changed career and moved cities. I kept fit, mentally and physically, and even ran a marathon.

My children remained my priority. They saw their dad often and we had family dinners.

I am proud of who I am and my choices, including the separation. I did it for me. It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it.

From Vinita Ramtri, 43, of Greenwich, London