It’s a common misconception that once we reach a certain age, we might not want to, or be able to have sex or be intimate with our partner any more.
However, the reality is that many older couples report having a very fulfilling, active and healthy love life.
And the benefits of later life sex are endless — it can strengthen our immune system, bring pain relief to chronic conditions, as well as improve our cognitive functioning. It can also aid stress relief, lift mood and even improve sleep.
Ammanda Major, head of service quality and clinical practice at counselling service Relate, and Lesley Carter, senior health influencing manager at Age UK, reveal how to rekindle your va-va-voom this Valentine’s Day…
Embrace your age
Ammanda says: ‘Many older people feel more confident sexually than they did in their youth. Later in life, you know your own body. You know your needs better and may feel less inhibited asking a partner to experiment and meet them. Yes, arousal may take longer, but that can be a great thing as it gives you the opportunity to take things slowly and savour the moment.’
Keep talking
Ammanda says: ‘Everything starts with communication. People’s needs change over time so it’s important that you regularly check in with each other to ensure you’re still ‘in step’ together. Some couples will have as much sex as they always did, while others will be happy finding intimacy in other ways. By keeping the conversation alive around sex, you can both express your needs and highlight any issues.’
Lesley says: ‘Be honest about how you feel, what feels good and what doesn’t. Aches, pains and long-term conditions can affect our ability to have and enjoy sex in the same way that we used to, so it’s important to talk about it.
‘You may agree to try new things — maybe sex toys and lubricants, or agree to do things differently so you can explore what feels good for both of you. Don’t be embarrassed to ask for help too — many sexual difficulties can be overcome by relatively simple advice, such as identifying different positions or taking medications at a different time. Never be afraid to speak to your doctor, or pharmacist for help.’
Build up slowly
Ammanda says: ‘For people who haven’t had sex in a while, the idea of having full penetrative sex can be quite daunting. Start small — even the gentle stroke of a hand can be incredibly intimate. Take it one step at a time and be kind, caring and open with each other.’
Overcome challenges together
Lesley says: ‘As women get older, some experience a loss of libido or vaginal dryness, which can make intimacy uncomfortable. There are products available that can relieve some symptoms so have a chat with your pharmacist. However, if you’re experiencing a new pain, discuss this with your GP. Emotional stress that comes with a new health diagnosis, subsequent treatments or a long-term condition can also have an impact on your sex life.
‘For example, one partner may be worried about hurting or overexciting, while the other partner may feel that their scarring makes them look unattractive. These are all very normal worries and talking about them can really help.’
Manage expectations
Ammanda says: ‘It’s important to realise that your body will have changed over time. Instead of comparing how things used to be when you were 20, embrace how you are now. If you’ve done the same thing sexually for 30 years it can feel daunting to ask to do something different, but the more we practise the easier it gets. Don’t make assumptions about what you think you know. Sharing what’s really going on for you can be very galvanising for the relationship.’
Be safe
Lesley says: ‘The number of older people with STIs has increased. When we have a new sexual partner it’s important to practise safe sex and condoms are the only way to protect against STIs.’
Do what’s right for you
Ammanda says: ‘Don’t compare yourself to others or to what you hear in the media. Sex isn’t important for some couples, but it doesn’t mean their relationship is any less emotionally rich. As long as you’re both happy, that’s all that matters.’
Edited by Stephanie May
● For more information visit sex-in-later-life/ageuk.org.uk. To find out about Relate’s campaign Let’s Talk the Joys of Later Life Sex, visit relate.org.uk/later-life-sex