When Ash chose to transition he thought he’d given up his chance to biologically parent. But had he?
Sitting in the pub with my best pal John, I started opening up about the way I’d been feeling recently.
‘I’ve never felt lonelier,’ I told him, as I anxiously picked the label off the bottle of beer in front of me.
‘Maybe you need to get out and meet someone?’ he suggested.
I sighed.
‘Maybe you’re right,’ I said.
I was two years into my transition from female to male and was struggling with my mental health.
Despite knowing I'd made the right decision, it didn’t make the physical and mental changes any easier.
On top of that, I was struggling to come to terms with the break down of my relationship and I was losing any confidence I had in myself.
Heeding his advice, I decided to download Grindr — a social networking app for LBGTQ+ — to look for a night of fun.
I wasn’t ready for anything serious yet.
Straightaway, I found someone's profile that I liked and messaged him to see if he was interested.
We met up and things quickly got intimate.
But halfway through our romp, he stopped.
‘What about contraception?’ he asked me, looking concerned.
‘We definitely don’t need it,’ I laughed.
I was on male hormones which meant it was very unlikely I could fall pregnant.
We carried on with our night of passion and the next day, I bid him farewell, satisfied with our night of fun.
'I've waited so long for you'
Weeks later, I started feeling sad as it approached the anniversary of a miscarriage I’d had.
Perhaps it was instinct, or that I was just feeling emotional, but I decided to do a pregnancy test at work.
Just a few moments after peeing on the small stick, I got the shock of my life.
Staring down at the two lines on the pregnancy test, I rubbed my eyes in case I was seeing things.
‘Oh my…’ I gasped.
I couldn’t believe it — I was pregnant.
My head spinning, I had no idea what to do or think.
Desperate to confide in someone, I sought out my colleague Tee.
‘I’m pregnant,’ I told her.
‘How?’ she asked, in shock.
‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘I had unprotected sex recently, but I didn’t think this could happen.’
She was incredibly supportive and talked me though all my options.
'You need to go hospital to get checked,' she said.
She came with me and the doctors were stunned by my positive result.
I was referred to a prenatal specialist, and the doctors there were equally astonished.
Due to the medication I was taking for my transition, I was advised to terminate the pregnancy.
But I couldn’t do it.
I’d always wanted children and this was my opportunity to have them.
I knew it could be my only chance.
Due to being high risk, I attended weekly ultrasounds, as the effects of testosterone on the foetus were still relatively unknown.
Fortunately, after a few appointments it became less unusual for my medical team, and I started to feel more comfortable.
At first, I’d felt a bit like a medical guinea pig.
I came off my hormone medication and went through challenging withdrawal.
My hormones were all over the place, and I felt incredibly tired and agitated.
But the thought of my baby in my arms kept me going.
The more my bump grew, the more I struggled mentally.
The biggest challenge of being a pregnant man was my identity.
I found it extremely hard to identify with who I was.
I experienced extreme dysphoria and became severely depressed.
Thankfully, I had great support around me.
My friend Jordan was brilliant and throughout the difficult times he was always there.
Then about two months into the pregnancy, our friendship blossomed into love.
With him by my side, everything felt easier.
He was with me at my 12-week scan when the sonographer announced I was having a girl.
‘That’s wonderful news,’ I said, bursting into tears.
To my relief, she was completely healthy.
I’d been so worried about the risks, being on testosterone while she was conceived, but she was fine.
‘I can’t wait to kiss her tiny cheeks and hands!’ I said to Jordan.
‘Hello, little orb,’ he cooed to the monitor. ‘We can’t wait to meet you!’
I’d contacted her biological dad and told him, wanting to respect his wishes in terms of the pregnancy.
But he said he didn’t want to be outed as part of the LGBTQ+ community, which I understood.
'Please take good care of her for me,' he said.
'Of course,' I promised him.
I lived in a small town, so news of my pregnancy quickly spread.
Then one day, I came home to a pile of packages by my front door.
‘What have you ordered?’ Jordan asked me, with a bewildered look on his face.
‘Nothing, I replied, equally surprised.
It turned out people in the town, who’d heard I was pregnant, had sent us donations and gifts for the baby.
I felt overwhelmed by the support and grateful for their kindness.
Although not everyone was kind.
There were times when I was out that people would stare at me and whisper, but I tried my best to put them to the back of my mind, even though it was hard.
‘They don’t matter,’ Jordan said, reassuring me.
‘I know,’ I replied, squeezing his hand. ‘I just wish people would mind their own business.’
But I knew the only thing that really mattered was my daughter.
So when the day came to be induced I was buzzing with excitement.
Arriving at the hospital, I decided to document the labour on social media.
Hundreds of messages came flooding in, but not all of them were positive.
It was disappointing to see so many aggressive comments.
When I showed Jordan his face filled with concern.
‘Why are some people so hateful?’ he said.
‘Let’s focus on the positive ones,’ I replied, feeling serene.
I was too excited to meet my daughter to worry about the negative things other people were saying.
I spent 19 long hours in labour before my beautiful girl finally arrived.
Ronan Shiva Schade, was born at 2:31am, weighing 7lb 4oz.
She was perfect in every way.
It was a curious sight though, my hairy legs on the stirrups giving birth!
I could certainly see the humorous side of things.
When the midwife laid her on my chest, my eyes filled with tears.
‘I’ve waited so long for you,’ I told her.
Now, two years on, my daughter Ronan is a very calm and happy toddler.
‘Daddy, daddy, daddy!’ she calls, whenever she wants my attention.
She loves watching Peppa Pig and cackles while singing along to all the songs.
Jordan is very protective over Ronan and has never cared that he isn’t her biological dad.
Every night we read a book together and she loves to cuddle before she falls asleep.
I went back to transitioning straight after she was born and felt a million times better for it.
I'd love to grow our family and I'd even consider carrying my own child again.
Adoption is also a possibility. I’d love to give a child a home.
After starting my transition, I believed giving birth and having a biological child was something I’d never experience, but I’m so grateful our little miracle came along.
Ash Schade, 28