There’s expected to be a dip in the number of people splitting up, as the cost-of-living crisis means couples are having to stay together. But here, Take a Break speaks to the experts who think this could offer a chance for couples to turn things around…
Sitting at her computer, Leanne Wilson searched online and tried to work out what benefits she would be entitled to if she and her husband Joe split up.
Leanne says: ‘We have three children together, Lucy, eight, Daniel, six and Daisy, two. But after Daisy was born, we started to drift apart.
‘He became quite resentful and withdrawn about how far down my priority list he’d become. We were always bickering, and I was so unhappy. I just thought it would be better if we spilt.’
It was January, and Leanne, 42, from Manchester, decided to start secretly stashing money away from her job in sales. The plan was to hopefully separate and leave in the summer, and rent somewhere nearby for her and the children.
But then the cost-of-living crisis hit — and everything changed.
Leanne says: ‘Our mortgage increased by £350 a month. And on the news, all I saw was how the rental market was out of control, with people paying way over the odds for tiny flats.
'Couples shouldn't feel resentful'
‘Even our food shopping bills were almost doubling, so I could put less and less aside in my “running away” fund. The idea of Joe and I splitting up just seemed less and less likely. We simply couldn’t have afforded to do it.’
Leanne isn’t alone. Estranged couples are being forced to remain under the same roof, unable to afford to divorce as legal costs, house prices and mortgage rates soar.
Experts say the number of people unable to afford a separation doubled in 2022. A survey revealed that 30 per cent of couples are staying in their relationship because of concerns about the cost-of-living crisis, and that number is set to rise as energy bills continue to go up..
The cost of renting is also at a record level. So couples are remaining together in the home, but leading separate lives.
Niamh McCarthy, Partner at Stowe Family Law, says: ‘I have spoken to many people enquiring about divorce, but who are considering putting it off due to financial worries and concerns about not being able to afford to live solo.’
But amongst the uncertainty and panic, if couples are having to stay together, it could be a chance for them to re-ignite their relationship.
Relationship expert Rhian Kivits says: ‘Couples shouldn’t feel resentful that they’re being “forced” to stay together. There could be a positive that comes from it. You’ve been given time to think and evaluate. Often people rush into splitting up, changing living arrangements and getting solicitors involved, and it can have a snowball effect that it is hard to go back on, even if you’re having second thoughts about getting divorced.
‘Try to support each other through this time — it’s possible that neither of you want to live together, but you’re in the same boat and need to make the best of it. When a separation is slower for whatever reason, it tends to become more peaceful and amicable.
‘Give each other plenty of space, set out boundaries that you can work within, help each other to be more independent socially, and co-parent. With this space and respect, you will either move towards a reconciliation, or at least hopefully have a more amicable split when you can afford it. Be mindful, patient and tolerant.’
It’s something that Leanne is trying to do.
She says: ‘Things still aren’t brilliant between Joe and I, but they are getting better. When I realised we wouldn’t be splitting, I started working with him more, rather than against him.
‘We didn’t put the heating on for ages because of the rise in bills, meaning at night we actually sat on the sofa together and cuddled up because it was so cold. We tried to make savings where we could, so cancelled TV subscriptions. Because there wasn’t a show we could binge watch, we actually talked.
‘It reminded me how funny he could be. And we really worked together, making a plan about how to cut our bills down.’
Leanne hopes they can continue to move forward.
She says: ‘We’re already talking about holidays later in the year, which has to be a good sign.
‘Who knows what the future holds, but maybe something good might come out of this terrible and difficult time.’
*Leanne’s name has been changed
‘Communication is key’
Relationship therapists — and husband and wife — Matt and Sarah Davies help couples understand why their relationship feels broken, and give them the tools to repair it.
Sarah says: ‘Communication is at the core of all relationships and, inevitably, sometimes it fails. But these occurrences offer crucial golden opportunities to repair the relationship and strengthen trust and resilience.’
Here are Matt and Sarah’s tips to help re-build your relationship…
* Appreciation — It’s so important to feel appreciated by your partner. A little word of gratitude goes a long way. Not only that, but countless studies have shown that we feel better within ourselves when we make an effort to notice the positive things our partner does. It should be specific, giving a particular example with a time and place when you noticed it and felt grateful. For instance, instead of saying: ‘I appreciate you are a caring person’, you could point out when your partner displayed caring behaviour, such as ‘I appreciate that you fixed the cupboard this afternoon.’
* Dates — When life is stressful, time together as a couple can slip down the list of priorities. But it’s essential to keep the relationship vibrant. Schedule time for each other — for example, half an hour every week, a long evening once a month and a long weekend a few times a year. A half-hour date could be as simple as taking them out for a walk somewhere you’ve never been in your neighbourhood, doing a taste test of new food, putting some music on and dancing together, or making love somewhere new!
* Listen — When things are tough, it’s really hard to hear the other person, especially if you wish they were saying something different. To help, put aside some time. Then hold an object, such as a mug, and whoever is holding that object is the designated listener. Start with just five minutes, and the listener can’t interrupt. When the time is up, the listener mirrors back what was heard as accurately as possible, using the same words the partner used as much as possible. Then swap roles.
You, Me and The Space Between Us: How to (Re)Build Your Relationship by Matt and Sarah Davies is out now