When comedians Mel and Alfie made their relationship public, trolls online called her a cougar…
One afternoon, I was scrolling through TikTok when I stumbled on an account named ‘Roadman Ralph’.
His videos made him seem a bit of a football hooligan, playing pranks on people and acting tough.
You’d never get away with that behaviour up North! I commented on one video.
I was a professional comedian, and I had my own TikTok account with almost a million followers.
A few days later, I was on a live when Roadman Ralph appeared.
‘Yo!’ he said. ‘Bet you didn’t think I’d turn up on your live!’
Oh God, not this idiot, I thought.
But after a short while of chatting his whole mask seemed to slip.
And 40 minutes in, we found ourselves talking about politics.
‘We’re all so divided right now,’ he said. ‘We can’t change anything if we don’t work together.’
‘I can’t agree more,’ I replied.
The viewers were just as surprised as I was.
Who knew Roadman Ralph was so smart? someone commented.
Our conversation ended up lasting four hours.
Afterwards I couldn’t help but feel like I’d misjudged him.
He might be ‘Roadman Ralph’ online, but in reality he was just a sweet guy named Alfie.
After that we kept in touch, and it wasn’t long before he suggested we collaborate.
We called it ‘Wasteman Wednesdays’, and we’d set each other silly challenges.
On one episode I made him sing and gyrate in front of his neighbour’s window!
You two have a great connection, someone commented. Are you more than friends?
We really did get along well.
But there was 13 years between us, and with his boyish face, Alfie looked younger than he was.
Though I didn’t see him romantically, we were getting really close.
Alfie worked as a postman for his day job.
He’d give me a ring and we’d chat on the phone while he was following his route.
It turned out we had more in common than our political views.
Both of us had three sons and had been divorced four years previously.
‘I had a pretty tough upbringing,’ Alfie confessed to me. ‘My Roadman Ralph character is sort of my worst fear of who I could have turned out to be.’
‘That makes me understand you so much better,’ I told him.
Six months after we’d first met online, we collaborated with two other creators to do a parody song together.
'I think I'm in love with you'
Alfie and I agreed to record our verses at a hotel in Birmingham.
It would be our first-time meeting in person.
I met up with him just outside the hotel, and to begin with everything was going well.
But during the recording it became clear Alfie hadn’t learnt his words properly.
‘You’re all over the place,’ I told him. ‘Why didn’t you memorise these?’
I got more and more worked up before Alfie gently took the mic from my hand and gave me a hug.
Suddenly I relaxed and hugged him back.
And as the seconds ticked on, neither of us wanted to let go.
We ended up just hugging for 40 minutes.
Then, realising how much time had passed, I sprung to my feet.
‘We’ve got to finish the recording!’ I said.
‘OK,’ he replied, grinning.
We started work again, but the whole time my mind was racing.
What did the hug mean?
And when we finished for the day, I got an answer to my question.
‘I’m going to kiss you now,’ Alfie told me, pulling me close.
I was so stunned I just stood there, trying to process what was happening.
‘I’ll text you,’ he said, before heading off home to London.
Back in my bedroom, I couldn’t stop thinking about him.
Later that evening, my phone buzzed with a text from Alfie.
I think I’m in love with you, he wrote.
I chucked my phone across the room, overcome with both excitement and panic.
Then I decided I should give him a call.
‘You’re only in love with the idea of me,’ I told him kindly.
‘You’re wrong,’ he said. ‘I knew I loved you the moment we first met in person.’
What a load of old tripe! I thought, cynically.
But I couldn’t deny that there was something between us.
And although I still had my doubts, the two of us started dating casually.
‘If you think I’m too young, or you’re not interested for any other reason, I love you enough to let you go,’ he told me one night.
Then a few seconds later, he said: ‘Actually no, I take it back. I don’t want to lose you.’
And my intense feeling of relief let me know how to reply.
‘I love you too,’ I admitted.
At first, I was nervous what my friends and family would think if I told them the truth.
I ended up in elaborate lies about who I was dating.
They’d probably try and freeze my bank accounts if they found out! I thought, ruefully.
But in the end, people were more accepting than I’d feared.
My boys were still close to their dad, so it took them a while to get used to me dating someone new.
But Alfie is great with kids, and he managed to win them over.
Online, it was a totally different story.
Commenters called me a ‘cradle snatcher’ and told me Alfie was only in it for the money.
‘Little do they know I don’t have any money,’ I joked with him.
‘I hate the term “toy-boy”,’ he said. ‘It’s demeaning.’
Of course, the age gap did cause some issues.
We had totally different music tastes and we didn’t get all of each other’s pop-culture references!
But Alfie wasn’t a big partier, so I didn’t need to worry about late nights and clubbing.
And as he had three kids already, he didn’t want any more.
A year and a half after we got together, Alfie asked me to marry him on his birthday.
‘You’re drunk,’ I told him. ‘Don’t be silly!’
‘Just promise me you’ll marry me one day,’ he replied.
Then a few months later, I had to go into hospital for surgery.
'Tell me if you want to run for it!'
‘Will you marry me?’ Alfie asked again, sitting by my bedside.
Wow, I’m looking my absolute worst, and he still wants to marry me? I thought.
‘Oh, go on then!’ I said. ‘Let’s do it!’
We arranged the wedding for the following summer.
The night before, my maid of honour Sarah and I booked a hotel.
‘It’s all moved so fast,’ she said. ‘Let me know if you want to make a run for it!’
‘Don’t worry,’ I laughed. ‘I know what I’m doing.’
And the following day, the two of us tied the knot!
I felt like Alfie had woken me up again, and I was so excited to spend our lives together.
Of course, there were still a few embarrassing moments.
On one occasion, Alfie came with me to my youngest son’s parents’ evening.
Alfie had shaved his beard and was wearing a hat, which I joke always makes him look about 12.
‘Ah, so is this your eldest?’ asked my son’s teacher, smiling at him.
‘Um, no, he’s my husband!’ I said awkwardly.
‘I’m so sorry,’ she said, looking mortified.
And sometimes I also worry about what’s to come in the future.
‘What if you have to look after me when I’m old?’ I asked Alfie.
‘It’ll probably end up the other way round with my sciatica!’ he said.
But whatever challenges we face in the future, I know we’ll get through them with love and humour.
Even though we’re both comedians, our feelings for each other are no laughing matter.
Mel Moon, 44, Burnley, Lancashire