Shannon was excited to be a new mum. Until the intrusive thoughts set in…
Looking down at the little white stick, two lines stared back at me.
Having had anorexia in my teens, I’d been unsure about whether I could ever have a baby, but now I was pregnant.
‘I’m so happy for you!’ my mum squealed.
It was all I’d ever wanted, but six months in, I found myself constantly comparing my situation to the traditional families I saw on social media.
I was going it alone with only my parents for support.
‘Are you excited?’ my dad asked one night.
‘Of course,’ I said.
But I’d started to experience suicidal thoughts, thinking I wasn’t enough for my baby.
I tried to think how I could end my life, while keeping the baby alive.
Worried, my mum contacted my GP and I was put under the care of a mental health team.
I was admitted to hospital when I went into slow labour, which lasted seven days.
‘It’ll be worth it when baby’s here,’ people kept saying.
But when my daughter, Orlagh, was born, the instant rush of love didn’t come.
She was beautiful, but a dark fog had descended over me.
Paranoid that someone would take my baby away if they found out, I didn’t tell anyone how I was feeling.
Then, when Orlagh was three weeks old, I made the decision to end my life.
I thought she would
be better off without me, and
I knew my parents would look after her.
The following morning, I got ready to leave the house to do the unthinkable, when
I burst into tears.
My mum found me on my bedroom floor and, after I told her everything, she called my mental health nurse.
I was diagnosed with postnatal depression (PND)which had led to postnatal psychosis, and it was decided that I would benefit from inpatient care.
On the way to the mother and baby unit, I felt relief wash over me.
I wanted to live and be a mummy to Orlagh, I just didn’t know how.
Over the next 14 days, I learnt how to care for her.
At first, it was hard. My mental health was so poor, I felt like a robot completing tasks.
But by the time we left the unit, I’d bonded with Orlagh and I was on medication for my depression.
Now, Orlagh and I have a lovely life, and every time I look at her, I feel that rush of love.
It’s a journey, but I’m learning to be the best mum
I can every day.
I want to share my story, so other mums suffering with PND know they aren’t alone.
Shannon Finan, 30, Coventry, West Midlands
• To listen to Shannon’s podcast on PND, search ‘The Only Prams Podcast’ on Spotify.