As a study reveals that online matchmaking platforms have shed 16% of users in the past year,
we look at why people are giving up on finding love online…
Kelle Salle had been on and off dating apps for six years when, in May 2024, she finally decided she’d had enough.
‘I’d tried two of the main apps – Tinder and Bumble,’ says Kelle, 34, a journalist from Reading, Berkshire. ‘But online dating takes a lot of resilience. You speak to someone and get along great, but then they’re not reciprocating your energy so you have to go again, and again… The constant swiping and starting and ending conversations is time consuming and draining.
‘Last year, I’d been speaking to someone for six weeks and there was no talk of a date, despite me hinting. I suspected they were already in a relationship or just stringing me along.
‘Then, with another date, there was an extreme lack of consideration that shocked me. It was all a bit much and I said it would be the last man I’d ever date from an app.’
Kelle isn’t alone in feeling this way. For the first time ever, research suggests that user numbers are down for matchmaking platforms like Tinder, Hinge and Bumble.
There has been a 16% drop in use of the top 10 most popular dating apps over the past year, while, ‘Are dating apps a waste of time?’ was one of the most Googled relationship queries in 2024.
One survey found that a third of respondents reported harassment or abuse on apps, while another revealed that 61% of app users said they’d encountered fake profiles.
Research suggests Gen Z-ers are instead returning to real-life encounters. Ticketing website Eventbrite reported more than 1.54 million searches for dating and singles events, while a recent poll by The Gym Group suggested that 37% of 18-to-24-year-olds viewed exercising as a way to socialise.
Dr Madeleine Mason Roantree, a psychologist specialising in relationships and dating, says, ‘Online dating can be disheartening. It can take a lot of time and effort to sift through profiles, reach out to people and engage with them and people experience little return on that time investment.
'The constant swiping is draining'
‘The “illusion of choice” also keeps people from focusing. Then there’s self-sabotage, warped expectations and lack
of self-confidence. People don’t respond to your advances, or they do, then later “ghost” you.
‘Many profiles aren’t accurate, so people appear different when you meet them. Some people find they’re inundated by shallow advances which becomes draining, while not getting likes or matches at all can feel like nobody wants you and this can feel isolating.’
It’s a picture Kelle recognises. She first joined Tinder in 2018 after being single for two years. She recalls, ‘At the time a lot of people around me seemed to be meeting their partners that way but from the start it was a mixed experience.
‘When I first joined I went on a date with a guy and there was no effort, no chemistry and no interest in getting to know me.
‘As a woman, it feels like you’re expected to do a lot of the prompting and pushing, when it should be a two-way street.
‘I’d also see men’s profiles where they’d say shocking things about women, talking about how we should look, whether we should wear make-up, be a certain size or have a certain type of lifestyle. Having a preference is fine, but there’s a difference between that and plain misogyny.
‘There’s also a lack of clarity. If a man just wants to sleep with a woman while the woman wants a relationship, the onus is on the woman to discern whether the man is genuinely interested in her or not.
‘With some men there’s just not that level of honesty, because they know that if they’re honest they’re not going to get what they want.’
Kelle did meet one man who she admits was nice. ‘But in six years he was the only person where I genuinely thought, Yeah, we could have something special here,’ she says. ‘Sadly it didn’t work out.’
Despite finding online dating a slog, Kelle has previously returned to the apps, after quitting.
She explains, ‘I knew others who’d met their partners online so I always thought, It can happen for you! Keep your head up! Be optimistic! Just give it one more try! There’s an optimism that’s hard to drop.
‘Finally after the impact that last dating experience had on me, I just thought, You know what? This is not what I want in terms of the quality of men that appear to be on this app. It opened my eyes that there are men out there who see dating as a game and once they’ve got to a level they’re happy with they can become a completely different person.
‘Character is the most important thing to look for – and there’s no way to tell that from swiping through endless pictures.’
Despite acknowledging the pitfalls, Dr Roantree remains more optimistic about the prospect of meeting your soul mate online.
‘Dating apps can work,’ she insists. ‘It’s convenient as you can cut to the chase quicker, unlike meeting offline, where you first need to establish whether the person you are talking to is single and looking for a relationship.
‘I met my own husband on a dating app, after applying the principles I was using as a dating coach. It took me three “dating cycles” to meet him and he proposed after about four months of dating.
‘The clearer someone is on their profile about wanting a meaningful relationship, the more likely they’re serious about wanting one.
‘Also the amount of detail and effort that has gone into curating the profile can also be a good indicator – good quality photos for example, as opposed to out of focus images, with people cropped out.’
But Kelle remains unconvinced. She says, ‘While apps have brought quite a few people together, they’ve also done quite a bit of damage. You have women questioning their desirability, issues with their confidence, worth and self-esteem.
‘Apps have overcomplicated dating, with all the various stages – talking stages, when to make things official. It all feels so forced. It’s not meant to be such hard work!
‘Now the only way I’d be willing to meet somebody is organically. If it’s meant to happen, it will happen. I’ve made peace with knowing that the person for me is not on a dating app.’
For more information go to madeleinemasonroantree.com
Follow Kelle on Instagram @kelleswriter or via her blog, itskellesspace.com