Spot the DIFFERENCE

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One was a vegetable. The other was the penis of Chanelle’s fella. But terrifyingly, both looked the same. What the heck had gone wrong?

Children leapt over obstacles, and carried bean bags on their heads. It was school sports day and I’d come to see my son Lleyton complete his races.

Except, I was distracted.

A gorgeous hunk of a man sat down the field from me and my mum.

He was the dad of Lleyton’s friend Dominic. He was single, and I’d had my eye on him for a while.

‘That’s him,’ I whispered, nudging Mum.

‘Go and ask him for his number,’ she said.

It was easier said than done after being single for three years, but I decided to be brave.

I walked over, but as soon as I reached him, I lost my nerve.

I had to say something though.

‘Our boys are good friends,’ I said. ‘Would it be OK if Dominic came for dinner?’

‘Sure,’ he said.

‘OK, good,’ I said.

We swapped numbers and I discovered his name was Maciej.

I sauntered back to Mum and she looked up at me with glee.

‘I wouldn’t get too excited,’ I replied. ‘The kids are going for dinner, not us.’

‘What do you mean?’ she asked.

‘I said I wanted his number so the boys could meet up,’ I replied.

She shook her head and sighed.

Only, the next morning, I received a text from Maciej asking me out.

‘Oh my God!’ I screamed down the phone to my mum.

I was thrilled.

One evening he came to mine to play cards and the conversation flowed like we’d known each other for years.

For six weeks we dated without doing anything sexual.

So when we finally arranged out first sleepover, I was a bundle of nerves. So many thoughts whizzed around my head.

What if it’s really awkward? What if he thinks I’m not very good? What if he doesn’t like  my body?

I hadn’t had sex in years.

Thankfully, Maciej hadn’t either, so he was equally as nervous.

But as soon as we were between the sheets, all nerves melted away.

Every movement sent a surge of electricity through my body.

I erupted like a volcano under his touch.

The connection between us was unreal, and that night we had sex five times.

After that, we were at it like rabbits whenever we could.

It was difficult, as single parents, to find the time.

So when we booked a night away, to attend the Festival of the Dead, I couldn’t wait.

As soon as we checked into the hotel, we were tearing each other’s clothes off.

We had sex several times before we finally managed to pull ourselves apart for enough time to get in the shower. We even had a cheeky go in there.

Finally, we got dressed.

‘To be continued…’ I said, with a wink.

The festival was amazing, but all I could think about was getting Maciej back into bed.

We’d barely got into the hotel room before we were undressing each other.

We’d been having sex for two hours, when the phone rang.

Glancing at the clock on the bedside table, it was 3am.

‘Who could that be at this time?’ I asked Maciej.

‘It has to be reception,’ he replied.

My stomach lurched.

Had we been too noisy?

‘We’re going to have to answer it,’ I said.

I picked up the receiver.

‘Hello,’ I said in a groggy voice, pretending I’d just woken up.

‘I’m really sorry to tell you this,’ the receptionist said, ‘but we have had a complaint about loud banging coming from your room.’

I felt the heat rise up to my face.

‘Oh,’ I said.

‘Would it be OK to keep the noise down?’ he said.

‘Of course,’ I replied. ‘I’m really sorry.’

Coming off the phone, Maciej and I burst out laughing.

‘Oops,’ I said.

Within seconds, he’d pounced on me and we were at it again.

But after another couple of hours of action, Maciej cried out in pain.

‘What is it?’ I asked, panicked.

‘I just felt a sharp pain in my testicles,’ he said. ‘It’s probably nothing.’

We carried on for a few minutes before he stopped again.

‘No, it really hurts,’ he winced. ‘Can you have a look?’

I moved in for a closer inspection and saw a purple mark, around half a centimetre wide and five centimetres long.

‘There’s a bruise on your testicles,’ I told him.

I took a picture on my phone and showed him.

‘What on earth?’ he yelped.

‘Shall we stop?’ I asked.

‘Probably,’ he said, before he pounced on me again.

We continued having sex for another few hours, before we both eventually passed out with exhaustion.

When we woke up the next morning, I was ready to go again.

‘How’s your friend?’ I asked Maciej.

‘A bit sore,’ he said. ‘How’s it looking?’

I pulled back the covers and let out a gasp.

‘What?’ he asked, bolting upright.

‘It’s bad, Maciej,’ I said, with a nervous giggle.

The whole of his gooch and halfway up his testicles was a deep shade of purple.

I took another picture and showed him, and his face turned grey.

‘What do I do?’ he exclaimed.

‘I think you need to ring someone,’ I said.

He called 111 and awkwardly explained his situation to the operator.

‘I’ve got to go and pick up my kids,’ he said. ‘Can I go to the hospital later on?’

I watched Maciej’s face pale, as he got his reply.

‘Apparently it’s pretty urgent,’ he said, coming off the phone.

‘Oh,’ I said. ‘What have we done?’

We packed our bags and went down to reception.

I avoided the receptionist’s eyes when I handed the keys over.

We got a taxi to the hospital and Maciej barely said a word the whole way there.

Arriving, he explained the situation.

‘How did you do it?’ the hospital receptionist asked.

‘We don’t really know,’ replied Maciej. ‘But we were having a lot of sex.’

My cheeks felt like they were on fire.

We were directed to the waiting room, where we sat for five hours.

We were finally seen. When Maciej pulled down his trousers to show the doctor, I almost fell backwards.

‘It’s worse,’ I exclaimed.

The bruise now covered the whole of his testicles and had spread up the shaft of his penis too. His manhood looked like an aubergine.

I’d seen smaller vegetables at the farmer’s market.

The doctor looked equally as shocked as me.

‘Have you had any hard impact?’ she asked.

Maciej and I exchanged glances.

‘Have you been having sex?’ she then asked.

‘For five days in a row,’ he told her. ‘And yesterday was around 14 hours.’

Her eyebrows raised and I felt my insides squeeze together.

‘We did have a break in between,’ I said.

The doctor nodded in bewilderment, before calling some colleagues.

Before we knew it, the room was full of medical experts standing round the bed.

‘I’ve never seen anything like it,’ one said.

‘I’ve seen something like it, but not to this extent,’ said another.

‘Your penis could be fractured,’ said the lead doctor. ‘There’s no bone, but you’ve probably torn the tissues inside.’

‘Will I be able to have sex again?’ Maciej asked.

‘I honestly don’t know,’ she replied.

I stared at her in horror.

He’d need a scan, but the urologist wouldn’t be available for two days.

‘You’ll need to stay here until then,’ the doctor said.

I had to leave to pick up the kids and I cried all the way home.

Maciej had uploaded a picture of us in hospital on Facebook, so my phone kept buzzing, but I couldn’t bring myself to explain to anyone what happened.

How hard did you guys go last night? one friend wrote, meaning how much had we drunk.

If only they knew!

Over the next few days, I was on the phone to Maciej constantly.

Finally, he had his scan.

Luckily, his penis wasn’t fractured. He’d just burst a blood vessel.

‘They said it will repair, but we can’t have sex for four weeks,’ he explained.

‘I suppose that’s better than forever,’ I sighed.

But a week later, he gave me those come-to-bed eyes.

‘You sure?’ I said.

‘I am,’ he grinned, before leaping on top of me.

Now we limit ourselves to a couple of hours. I don’t want a repeat of that night. It really was a cock-up.

Chanelle Hope, 31, Trowbridge, Wiltshire